This past week, I believe this has been what I SEE more and more as a recurring theme in what I hear, what I think, what people are saying, what I read ... I am sure you get the point. I keep finding revelations about myself, about who I am and what I want. Anyone who has read my thoughts here knows that I am a Christian; more specifically I am Evangelical Baptist with Pentecostal tendencies - confused?

Maybe I need to elaborate on my religious upbringing. I was born to a mixed family - in nationality - my family portrays that great American illustration of a melting pot. My maternal parentage comes from a strong Irish influence mixed with Dutch and English. My paternal parentage is still being investigated by family members and the genealogy aspect is very interesting. There are traces to French-Canadian Indians tribes all the way to DNA evidence of being direct descendants of Mayflower Pilgrims. With this mixture of nationalities came a mixture of culture and religion. It is simplest to say that I am a fusion of Catholicism and Protestantism. I was given the Holy Sacrament of Baptism as a baby in the Catholic Church and from what I understand attended for a few years, but never had my Confirmation. I know I went to a Jewish Synagogue for some of my preschooling. Mostly, during my youngest years, I was raised in a Methodist Church, in my hometown of Kingston, NY. Like so many others, my parents divorced, and eventually my mother remarried and I found myself attending a Presbyterian Church in Raleigh, NC. From what I know of the two – they are not too dissimilar in the theology, but enough to make them separate churches. My beloved friends who are more qualified in theology can enlighten me I am sure. I went to Presbyterian Church camps, attended youth group, went through confirmation, and actually ended up at a beautiful Presbyterian college – Montreat College located, of course, in Montreat, NC.

The most ironic thing to me about Montreat is that it’s most famous resident it the Evangelical Baptist minister – the Reverend Billy Graham. The second most ironic thing about Montreat is that I met and befriended a wonderful man, who still to this day is a trusted friend, and he invited me to his church. It was by no means Methodist, Presbyterian and was not like the Baptist church located right smack next door to the Presbyterian Church I grew up in. I felt comfortable there. I felt the power of the Holy Spirit touch my heart. I felt close to God there, and one evening in 1996 on the steps of that alter, I asked Christ to live in me and to save me from all my sins. I was baptized as an adult by immersion and made this outwardly symbol of the covenant I had already made in my heart with my Father in Heaven. This is why I say that I am a Christian and a Baptist with Pentecostal tendencies. I guess it would be easier to say that I am a little Bapticostal.

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Since then, I have been married, become a mother to two beautiful children, and watched them grow in physical, mental and spiritual ways. I was overfilled with joy on the day that they were also chose to pray that prayer and be baptized, and soon there after I again was filled with joy when my husband followed in finally taking that step and became baptized as well. These moments are the ones that I carry in my heart, but sometimes it is hard to SEE them. Recently, I have been reading Mary Beth Chapman’s book “Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope” and listening to Steven Curtis Chapman’s new album “Beauty Will Rise”.  These compilations have been speaking to my heart causing me to SEE the revelations that I believe God has been trying to show me over the past few years. Trial and tribulation – one after another has hit my family, but amongst all those - graces and joys have been gifted to us as well. The Chapmans’ works bloomed out of a tragedy, but they are so much more than a story about that tragedy. Mary Beth Chapman has told her story – her testament. It is one that I understand in many ways. She and I understand that overbearing feeling of depression and not understanding why we felt the way we did. I have to admit that I need to go back and read the book again. I cried most of the way through the entire book, because it was as if God had whispered in my ear “SEE, you are not the only one who has felt this way.” Not that I did not know this but, when you are in the depth of that murky heaviness, you begin to doubt yourself. You question why me, what is so wrong with me that I can’t be happy? I was ashamed to admit it to myself, and only admitted parts of my symptoms to my doctors at the time. I was diagnosed as having SAD depression and put on a Wellbutrin. Well, that seemed to help with some issues, but as time went on and things went from bad to worse my doctors added two more medications to control my emotions and panic attacks. Truth is, I felt like a zombie, and I did exactly what I was told not to do … and went off my medications. I went back to my old ways of pushing through and making it moment by moment – and I was failing miserably. This is how I had always felt about myself; I was a failure at school. I was a disappointment. I was nowhere close to those perfect mothers that it seemed were everywhere I looked. I was a failure as a wife and homemaker. I just did not understand that if “I could do all things through Christ…”(Phil. 4:13) then why couldn’t I get over this??? One of those graces was handed to us again, and I was able to go to the doctor – my internal depression had started to really show physical signs. I had to come clean – and it was the first time that the words Clinically Depressed were mentioned to me. The new doctor realized that the Wellbutrin and other meds were not working properly for me, took away the other and started me on a new medication dosage and a few more to deal with the physical symptoms that were manifesting.

The main revelation that has come to me – the one that God has been trying to make me SEE was that he was srengthening me. He had graced this world with doctors, counselors, chemists, and pharmacists. He had been carrying me along the way and giving me the strength that I needed, especially when I would not listen to others and accept that I needed help. Tonight, as I sit here unable to sleep and listening to the “Beauty Will Rise” album, I wanted to say to anyone who is reading this – and is dealing with your own depression, your internal demons. God has made you. We are part of His glorious plan, and despite what horrible lies the devil whispers in our heads – they are out of his jealousy. They are there to tear us down. I lost my brother to those lies, and I refuse to listen to them and give them any more credence in my life. I am perfect already in God’s sight. He created me that way. I know how the story began and I know how the story will ultimately end. The rest is just plot filler and drama, but it is how we chose to deal with those points that our story is shaped. I may be a victim of some things, but I am “CHOOSING TO SEE” that each day God is faithful and in control.

* I highly recommend reading Mary Beth Chapman’s book “Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope” and listening to Steven Curtis Chapman’s new album “Beauty Will Rise” – and I hope that they do not mind my usage of the capitalization of the word SEE as they have done in the book and the album. Mary Beth - thank you for the inscription in the book - I hope you SEE that I am trying hard to make that choice to "CHOOSE TO SEE!"

For More Information on the Chapmans’, their ministry, their family and their work please visit:
Steven Curtis Chapman: http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/
Mary Beth Chapman: http://www.marybethchapman.com/
Caleb: Visit http://calebmusic.com/
Show Hope: http://www.showhope.org